NOTHING was off limits during the roast of Tom Brady… Not even his divorce from Gisele Bündchen!
On Sunday night, Netflix aired The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Brady, and the comedians in attendance didn’t spare the former NFL star from digs about his failed marriage! Oof! During the three-hour live show, everyone from host Kevin Hart to fellow footballer Rob Gronkowski had things to say about Tom and Gisele’s falling out. Below, we’ve compiled a list!
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Starting off with the event’s host, Kevin came in swinging:
“I want to congratulate you, Tom, because a peaceful life is what you’re now living. That’s a big deal. A big deal! For two years — it’s been two years since Tom’s gotten divorced… and in those two years, Tom’s been f**king… yeah, Tom’s been putting that two-inch tool to work.”
“Single life is what you deserve. You had no choice, Gisele gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said, ‘You retire or we’re done.’ That’s what she said to you, Tom. ‘You retire, or we’re done.’ Let me tell you something, when you’ve got a chance to go eight in nine and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do what the f**k you gotta do.”
“I love the way that you and Gisele are finding a way to co-parent and still keep it together, man. Gisele is actually here supporting you tonight, but — just for full transparency — she came as Antonio Brown‘s plus one.”
“You sometimes got to f**k your coach. You know who else f**ked they coach? Gisele. She f**ked that karate man… One of the smartest quarterbacks to ever play the game, how did you not see this coming? Eight f**king karate classes a day? Eight karate classes a day… and she’s still a white belt. The only bruises she had were on her ass. Everyone should have known.”
“You can’t lose any fights to the bonus dad, Jesus Christ, the kids gonna have to change their name — f**king guy knows karate, Tom. You can’t fight this guy. I can’t help you with this guy.”
Oof! Those ones about Joaquim Valente had to have stung!
Related: Kim Kardashian Got BOOED While Roasting Tom!
“Tom Brady: five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns — you have seven rings… well, eight now that Gisele gave hers back.”
“Tom, the only thing dumber than you saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.’ That’s gotta suck. How much would it suck — oh my God, just knowing your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers.”
“Tom hates fat. Do you guys know about his diet program? It’s so strict, but if you follow it exactly as he does, you too can lose your family. You could lose so much family.”
“I really am psyched tonight that we have you and Bill [Belichik] here. Everyone thinks you guys hate each other, but I saw it firsthand, you two are exactly alike. You’re both hardasses that hate fun. You both live and breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore.”
“Give it up for the lord of the Super Bowl rings, my friend, Tom Brady. A man who has so many rings he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest and get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu teacher.”
“You’re a legend, Tom. You really are. You really put the ji** in Gisele.”
“So Nikki said that you took that one from Gisele, maybe — I don’t know — we’ll let the fans vote on that. Y’all look on Instagram and vote it. Randy Moss, should he give me Gisele’s ring or that first Super Bowl ring?”
“Randy [Moss], he was never going to get you the ring. The check-down pass was the only option. You were just a sexy decoy to make Tom look good. You were the on-the-field version of Gisele Bündchen.”
“It is Gisele or Giss-e-elle? Giss-e-elle, I believe, right… Poor Giss-e-elle, it took her 13 years to learn what we all know: Tom is boring.”
“I mean, let’s be honest, your best years are behind you. The Super Bowls, Giss-e-elle…”
“My favorite wine is our world-class cabernet. Tom’s favorite wine is, ‘Where’s the flag?’ Obviously, buddy, you got real used to not being touched, right? Just like the end of the marriage.”
“Look buddy, you have more rings than I do, but I’ve experienced a couple things that you will never experience. The feeling of being the No. 1 overall draft pick in the NFL… and a 28th wedding anniversary, it was yesterday.”
This comedy duo joked about Tom’s $375 million Fox Sports contract, noting, “To be fair, Gisele got half that check.” HA!
They also compared Tom to Adolf Hitler… Except for one difference:
“They’re so alike… The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.”
YIKES.
“When I got to New England, you were already Tom motherf**king Brady. Three Super Bowls, married to a supermodel. I wanted to be like you so bad, bro that when your wife left, I thought about getting rid of my beard, too.”
“But I don’t want to talk about your wife… he’s actually here: Alex Guerrero, everyone!”
“Hey, Tom. This is great. Nice shoes, bitch. Did you win those in the divorce?”
“Clearly, your ex-wife takes after you, I hear she’s out there draining balls right now.”
“Tom, you became the GOAT by becoming the fiercest competitor on the planet. Tom was once asked which one of his rings was his favorite and he said, ‘The next one.’ Sorry, that’s a Gisele quote. My bad. That was Gisele, that was Gisele, for sure.”
“You remind us that no matter how big you get, how successful you are, how much you accomplish in your life, you can always end up a twice-divorced supplement salesman in Tampa, Florida.”
“That’s why Dana [White] is here, so you can learn how to f**k a Brazilian out of half their purse.”
DAMN! This was SAVAGE! Tom was a great sport, though… We just hope Gisele will be, too!
[Images via Netflix]