Anastasia Steele Getting Railed To Soothing Sounds Of Bach And Chopin? Oh, E.L. James!

A sommelier is someone who specializes in the intricate matching of food dishes to particular wines.
Do you know what we call someone who pairs specific classical music pieces to deviantly kinky acts of sadomasochism?
E.L. James!
The atypical author who gave us 150 different shades of a dark and freed Christian Grey returns with recommendations on what background music should be playing whilst one feasts on her titillating trilogy!
She’s collaborating with EMI Classics to release 50 Shades of Grey: The Classical Album!
Fifteen tracks of sexually charged classical compositions designed to deeply penetrate your ears while one hand flips pages and the other cracks open the TV remote to steal the batteries!
Consider that the next time you re-read chapter seven for that one scene where Christian Grey — who looks strikingly similar to Alexander Skarsgard in our mind’s eye — blindfolds us Anastasia and bends us her over her desk so that he can mind-eff us her before he quite literally effs us her!
It could be even hotter with Thomas Tallis’s Spem in Alium! bellowing in the background!
In a statement, James said:

“I am thrilled that the classical pieces that inspired me while I wrote the 50 Shades Trilogy are being brought together in one collection for all lovers of the books to enjoy.”

The compilation hits stores on August 21 but we imagine most of you secret seks shoppers will buy it online, LOLz!!
Take a peek at the complete track listing below:

1 Lakmé (Act I): Flower Duet (Mady Mesplé, Danielle Millet)
2 Bach: Adagio from Concerto #3 BWV 974 (Alexandre Tharaud)
3 Villa-Lobos: Bachianas Brasilerias #5 – Cantilena (Barbara Hendricks)
4 Verdi: La Traviata Prelude (Riccardo Muti / Philharmonia Orchestra)
5 Pachelbel: Canon in D (Sir Neville Marriner/ Academy of St. Martin-in-the-Fields)
6 Tallis: Spem in Alium (The Tallis Scholars)
7 Chopin: Prelude #4 in E minor, Largo (Samson François)
8 Rachmaninoff: Piano Concerto #2 – Adagio Sostenuto (Cecile Ousset, Sir Simon Rattle / CBSO)
9 Vaughan Williams: Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis (Sir Adrian Boult / LPO)
10 Canteloube: Chants d’auvergne, Bailero (Arleen Auger)
11 Chopin: Nocturne #1 in B-flat minor (Samson François)
12 Faure: Requiem – In Paradisum (Choir of King’s College, Cambridge / Stephen Cleobury)
13 Bach: Goldberg Variation – Aria (Maria Tipo)
14 Debussy: La Fille Aux Cheveux de Lin (Moura Lympany)
15 Bach: Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring (Alexis Weissenberg)

[Image via EMI Classics.]