We Translated Mueller's Letter To Trump AG Into Pure Sass - ENJOY!!!

The Mueller Report dropped in April, and it was… incredibly anti-climactic.
It’s not that it wasn’t FULL of evidence of wrongdoing by Donald Trump — it was! (See WAY below!)
But the problem was, Trump replaced the recused AG Jeff Sessions with a guy who auditioned with a memo talking about how he could protect the POTUS.
Related: Trump Supporters FAKED Sexual Assault Accusation Against Mayor Pete
Instead of releasing Mueller’s summary of the report, Attorney General William Barr sent a short letter completely taking the wind out of it — and the report itself didn’t come out until OVER THREE WEEKS LATER. That gave Trump plenty of time to take victory laps over the imaginary good version of the report.
Barr testified to Congress he didn’t know anything about the Special Counsel’s office objecting to his characterization of the report. Um, breaking news…

On Wednesday a letter Mueller wrote to Barr on March 27 slamming his handling of the report went public.
We read it. And by Mueller’s straight-laced, by-the-book, conservative standards, it is FIRE.
Unfortunately we have different standards over here, so we took the liberty of translating into OUR version of spicy.
Ch-ch-check out the whole thing — with our subtitles (below):

Dear Attorney General Barr:

Bitch,

I previously sent you a letter dated March 25, 2019, that enclosed the introduction and executive summary for each volume of the Special Counsel’s report…

I wrote you a summary. Why didn’t you release MY summary of MY report?

…marked with redactions to remove any information that potentially could be protected by Federal Rule of Criminal Procedure 6(e); that concerned declination decisions; or that related to a charged case. We also had marked an additional two sentences for review and have now confirmed that these sentences can be released publicly. Accordingly, the enclosed documents are in a form that can be released to the public consistent with legal requirements and Department policies.

Bitch, you KNOW that summary was good to go, but you pretended you couldn’t release it because it needed to be redacted. Bitch, we DID that for you already. Lyin’ ass liar.

I am requesting that you provide these materials to Congress and authorize their public release at this time.

WTF are you doing? Release our summary, not this 4-page Trump ass-kissery.

As we stated in our meeting of March 5 and reiterated to the Department early in the afternoon of March 24, the introductions and executive summaries of our two-volume report accurately summarize this Office’s work and conclusions.

My summary, bigger than a bridge. Your summary, look like a little kid’s.

The summary letter the Department sent to Congress and released to the public late in the afternoon of March 24 did not fully capture the context, nature, and substance of this Office’s work and conclusions.

Your little 4-page letter was some misleading B.S.

We communicated that concern to the Department on the morning of March 25.

And you KNEW this. Cuz we told you.

There is now public confusion about critical aspects of the results of our investigation.

Now Trump is all “SEE? NO COLLUSION! NO OBSTRUCTION!” And people can’t look for themselves to see how much of a lie that is!

This threatens to undermine a central purpose for which the Department appointed the Special Counsel: to assure full public confidence in the outcome of the investigations. See Department of Justice, Press Release (May 17, 2017).

The whole point was to get the truth out, and you are messing it up royally.

While we understand that the Department is reviewing the full report to determine what is appropriate for public release — a process that our Office is working with you to complete — that process need not delay release of the enclosed materials.

Do NOT keep on that bulls**t about needing to redact. Our summary is ready to go.

Release at this time would alleviate the misunderstandings that have arisen and would answer congressional and public questions about the nature and outcome of our investigation.

You send that stuff out ASAP, like I told you.

It would also accord with the standard for public release of notifications to Congress cited in your letter. See 28 C.F.R. § 609(c) (“the Attorney General may determine that public release” of congressional notifications “would be in the public interest”).
Sincerely yours,
Robert S. Mueller, III.
Special Counsel.

A real one.

So what did the report say that was so bad?
The report said it couldn’t establish “admissible evidence” of a “coordination” with foreign governments — but did paint a picture of implicit collusion.
Mueller’s team identified “numerous links” between them and stated outright “the investigation established that the Russian government perceived it would benefit from a Trump presidency and worked to secure that outcome, and that the Campaign expected it would benefit electorally from information stolen and released through Russian efforts.”
In other words, Russia wanted Trump, Trump knew it and encouraged the help.

But most of the report was laying out a prosecutor’s dream case of evidence of obstruction of justice committed by the President over the course of years.
The report even says Mueller only refused to make the call over whether this was an indictable offense because of Justice Department policy forbidding indicting a sitting president.
So for all the Trump supporters who have been calling us conspiracy theorists for saying the Mueller report was worse than they said?
Mueller said it, too. So there.