Tana Mongeau is getting more raw and real than ever before in her latest video upload titled “the truth about everything.”
The 40-minute vid, posted to her YouTube channel on Sunday, touches on her complicated relationship with Jake Paul, mental health struggles, drug relapses, and more.
Related: Tana Mongeau Addresses Rumored Relationship With Noah Cyrus
Reflecting on 2019, Mongeau explained that she is currently at “the lowest” she’s ever been:
“This year is coming to a close and I’m just not happy. I’m so unhappy with the way my relationship with Jake looks in the public eye and I’ve done so much pretending that I don’t care what I do. So it’s my fault.”
The MTV star added:
“I loved Jake so much, I still do… but I did so much of being the cool girl and not caring because I wanted to do life with this person and I wanted to see them happy and thrive and I wanted to show them that there are people that will accept you for who you are. I think I put so much of myself into Jake that I lost myself, and that’s not his fault. And I’m not blaming him for that at all. It’s just the reality. I don’t regret it.”
But before she got into more of what’s been going on as of lately, she took a look back even further to the start of her relationship with Logan Paul‘s younger brother:
“The second I walked into Jake Paul’s world, there was no taking me out of it. I was so consumed. And I wish we would have relished in that time so much longer. Long talks and hooking up and no one knowing. It was just so simple and amazing.”
However, it wasn’t long before things began to shift, drawing similarities between their relationship and “a drug,” Tana explained:
“I loved the time I spent with Jake so much and who I felt like he was making me…. I loved who I was when I was with him so much that I kind of put on rose-colored glasses. I realized I would do anything to feel this feeling forever.”
Many fans, and possibly even Jake, viewed the budding romance as a way to boost their clout, but the 21-year-old insisted she was in it for love:
“It was fun and funny to make the clout jokes and make Jake laugh and make Jake probably think that I cared about clout. But it was a lot more than that and it’s my fault for not expressing that…I wanted to be what he wanted, which looking back is also so unhealthy.”
Following their Las Vegas nuptials (it was later discovered their marriage is not legal), the longtime YouTuber says she believed things would eventually become monogamous between them despite agreeing on an open relationship. Unfortunately, that was not the case:
“I wanted to be the cool girlfriend that he never had. I feel like an open relationship to Jake was him still being able to have sex with a new bitch every night.”
Through it all, she felt pressured to “maintain this image of not caring” despite Paul’s reunions with exes Alissa Violet and Erika Costell, but it wasn’t easy:
“Everything is filled with people telling me how stupid I look for the 30,000 time this year and telling me they’re so disappointed in me for not standing up for myself and being a boss bitch. It’s hard because I don’t know what I feel…I’m just sad. I’m sick of my image being a door mat.”
Related: Bella Thorne BLASTS Jake For Seeing His Ex Amid Tana’s Family Emergency!
At this point, she can’t see a future without Mr. Paul because they are so intertwined with each other:
“A lot of these things have really woken me up and I feel like I’ve learned so much, so one day it will be a good thing. I don’t know where I’m at right now. Jake and I both have these psycho busy lives and trying to fit each other in to just gets harder and harder, and so many things keep hurting me further.”
But there is a part of her that longs for things to be as easy as they once were, the Tana Turns 21 star confessed:
“I wish every day him and I could get back to the way we were because it was magic. But I don’t know if everything that’s happened will ever allow that. All I know, if I do know one thing, is that I can’t look like someone’s bitch for any longer. And I just want Jake to be happy. I don’t want to hold him back.”
Despite all this, the Nevada native confirmed she is “still with Jake” and revealed her hopes for what’s to come:
“I always want to be close with Jake, no matter what. I shared one of the craziest times of my life with this person and we were a team and he made me feel some of the best feelings I’ve ever felt just as a person, but also some of the worst. I feel I should have been far more transparent with him and myself and the world, but I just couldn’t. Jake could f**king kill my whole family, I will always love him. I will always have a bond with him that I don’t ever see myself having with anyone else.”
An unhealthy relationship for sure!! Who talks about their S.O. killing their family, but still loving them??
Ch-ch-check out the full video (below):
What do U make of what she had to say, Perezcious readers?? We know there’s a LOT to unpack!! Sound OFF (below) in the comments with your take!!
[Image via Judy Eddy/WENN.]
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