Girrrl, we have missed you so!
But now it looks like she's ready to step back out into the spotlight!
[Image via FameFlynetpictures.]
Can Clarissa explain this one!?
The actress formerly known as Melissa Joan Hart was at the US Olympic Ski Team and Snowboard benefit on Sunday and we can't put our finger on it, but something's off.
And by "off" we mean her face.
[Image via Mavrix Online.]
Poor, delusional, cracked out Lindsanity LOLhan.
May we remind you of the story of poor
Elizabeth Berkley Jessie Spano and Showgirls: just because something sounds really edgy and sexually explicit on page, does not mean it's going to win you an Oscar!
Some little sneak leaked the screenplay to the hard-pAArtying wacktress' latest film, Inferno, and although we already knew it was going to be pretty heinous shiz - it is of course, about the star of Deep Throat Linda Lovelace - the text goes above and BEYOND what we could ever have imagined!
In fact, we may be treading into Showgirls caliber crazy, folks!
The story chronicles the violent abuse Linda suffered as a child at the hands of her mother, who burns her with a cigarette lighter and beats the hell out of her. When she marries her husband/manager Chuck, it only worsens - to the point where he's FINGERING her while forcing her to insult herself. She orgasms while calling herself a piece of dog shit.
Of course, it only continues to worsen - there's numerous scenes involving Linda getting gangbanged (one even includes Sammy Davis Jr.), her sobbing while filming the infamous scene in Deep Throat, and even a scene where a group tries to force her to have sex with a dog!
HOLY SHIZ! WTF is this garbage?!
And if you're interested in some of the truly inspired dialogue La Loca will have to recite, here are some gems:
To me, there is nothing more delicious than gism. I love it! I like to smear it all over my face like Ponds Cold Cream!
I once took on a pro football team — and I don't just mean two at a time! I mean more!
Is there anything in this life I like more than cocksucking? Okay. Well, one thing. On OCCASION.
PUSH IN for a the two beats of big build-up.
I love it when my man Chuck socks it to me in the ass.
Yeah, absolutely nasty.
We suppose she thinks this will make people think of her as a serious young actress willing to go there for a role?
Poor thing! This movie is going to be such a trainwreck!
But let's be real - the only real way they can top Showgirls is if they give LiLo the same nipple make-up as Jessie Spano!
LOLz! Who wants to take bets that they do??!
It looks like someone's enjoying true love a little too much!
Director Eli Roth was spotted in Londontown today with his ladyfriend, the possibly reformed gutter troll Peaches Geldof, with a significantly bigger gut than usual!
We'd rather these two be happily in love and (slightly) rotund together than the alternative - a single, drugged out hard-pAArtying Peaches terrorizing the streets of El Lay or London - so no criticism here from us!
[Image via XposurePhotos.com.]
Sandy, we LOVES you, but…
Are you trying to smuggle a watermelon out of a supermarket between your legs?
The actress was spotted looking a little pained and
constipated rigid at the 82nd Annual Academy Awards Nominee Luncheon yesterday.
NOT the most flattering stance, sweetie!! Close up shop and try again next time!!
[Image via Getty Images.]
Okay seriously. What is going on up there?!
John Travolta showed up at The Today Show this morning with a
freshly skinned feral cat brand spanking new weave glued securely in place to his head.
The man can afford to buy and fly himself around in effing PLANES but he can't get a decent looking hair piece?
Either embrace that it's gone and rock the bald look or seriously, reconsider wearing whatever living thing you're walking around with on your scalp.
[Image via WENN.]