The holidays are so hard for the Willis family…
In an emotional post published on her website over the weekend, Emma Heming opened up about how “different” and difficult the holiday season is as Bruce Willis, who no longer lives with her and their two daughters, Mabel and Evelyn, continues to live with frontotemporal dementia. The former model shared that Christmas has “changed” a lot for her due to his health battle, saying:
“Traditions that once felt somewhat effortless require planning- lots of planning. Moments that once brought uncomplicated joy may arrive tangled in a web of grief. I know this because I’m living it. Yet despite that, there can still be meaning. There can still be warmth. There can still be joy. I’ve learned that the holidays don’t disappear when dementia enters your life. They change.”
Before continuing, Emma made it clear that “it’s okay to grieve” what once was. It’s a completely normal and acceptable feeling for anyone going through a similar “change” or “ambiguous loss” during the holidays, and, as she pointed out, it “doesn’t only belong to death.” For Emma, this time of year is especially tough on her because Bruce “loved” it so much:
“For me, the holidays carry memories of Bruce being at the center of it all. He loved this time of year- the energy, family time, the traditions. He was the pancake-maker, the get-out-in-the-snow-with-the-kids guy, the steady presence moving through the house as the day unfolded. There was comfort in the routine of knowing exactly how the day would go, especially since I’m a creature of habit.”
Related: Emma Hemming Defends Moving Bruce Out Of Family Home
Now, there’s an “ache” for the holidays for Emma, and grief has hit her “in unexpected ways.” She explained:
“It can arrive while pulling decorations out of storage, wrapping gifts or hearing a familiar song. It can catch you off guard in the middle of a room full of people, or in the quiet moment when everyone else has gone to bed. I find myself, harmlessly, cursing Bruce’s name while wrestling with the holiday lights or taking on tasks that used to be his. Not because I’m mad at him, never that, but because I miss the way he once led the holiday charge. Yes, he taught me well, but I’m still allowed to feel annoyed that this is one more reminder of how things have changed.”
Oof.
Emma said she felt “the pressure” as the caregiver to make Christmas “feel ‘normal’” after Bruce’s dementia diagnosis. However, she soon learned to adapt and accept those life changes — as well as be willing to make new memories:
“For a long time, I wanted to the holidays to remain exactly as they were, as if this might protect us from what was happening. But I’m learning that flexibility isn’t giving up. It’s adapting. It’s choosing compassion and reality over perfection. It’s understanding that meaning doesn’t live in the size of the gathering or the polish of the day. It lives in presence. There’s a silent fear many caregivers carry; If I make new memories, I’m letting go of the old ones. But making new memories doesn’t erase what came before. It doesn’t diminish the love or the history you share. It simply acknowledges that life is unfolding differently now.
Although things may look differently now, their family will carry on some of those special traditions — like making pancakes on Christmas morning. Emma continued:
“There’s a misconception that if the holidays aren’t what they once were, they must be hollow. But meaning doesn’t require everything to stay the same. It requires connection. This holiday season, our family will still unwrap gifts and sit together at breakfast. But instead of Bruce making our favorite pancakes, I will. And no, I can’t share the secret family recipe. We’ll put on a holiday movie. There will be laughter and cuddles. And there will almost certainly be tears because we can grieve and make room for joy. The joy doesn’t cancel out the sadness. The sadness doesn’t cancel out the joy. They coexist.”
Well said. Referencing quotes from Dr. Pauline Boss in her new book, The Unexpected Journey, Emma noted that “you can grieve what the holidays used to be and make room for new traditions” — and that is how she pushes through right now:
“I hold the ache of what dementia has taken from us while we trim the tree and the gratitude that we’re still together celebrating. I hold the memories of Bruce as the man who once carried this season for our family, and I hold the reality of who he is now, with the same love. I hold tears and laughter in the same breath, often in the very same moment.”
Emma recognized that “the holidays are different now,” but she stressed “different doesn’t mean empty.” She added:
“It doesn’t mean broken. It doesn’t mean devoid of meaning. There is still connection. There is still love. There is still joy to be had. And if this season feels heavy for you, please know that you’re not alone. You’re not doing it wrong. And there is no single ‘right’ way to move through this time of year when dementia is part of your life. There is only your way. And that is enough.”
We’re sending so much love to Emma, Bruce, and their family this holiday season, as well as to anyone going through a similar experience. Read her entire blog post HERE.
[Image via Emma Heming/Instagram, Ivan Nikolov/WENN]
-
Categories
