Ethan Slater‘s ex is finally speaking out about her divorce, and what she has to say may make you rethink any warm, fuzzy feelings you have for his lovey-dovey relationship with Ariana Grande.
In a fantastic new essay for New York Magazine‘s newsletter One Great Story and published in The Cut on Thursday, Lilly Jay — sorry, Dr. Lilly Jay — speaks about the very public split with her high school sweetheart. Not only does she heavily hint at just what we thought — that the professional was blindsided by him leaving her for his co-star shortly after she’d given birth to their baby — but the essay is mostly focused on an annoying, rather specific, career side effect of her divorce being in the headlines. She says:
“In this season of shock and mourning, over a year after the end of my marriage was made public, I deeply miss the life of invisibility I created for myself as a psychologist specializing in women’s mental health.”
Dr. Lilly explains how a psychologist is meant to remain a mystery to her clients, so her personal baggage is never seen as an impediment to the doctor/patient relationship. Even getting pregnant caused her anxiety — as her patients would know something pretty big about her. She even deleted her social media to keep that wall up. But of course, her high school sweetheart was a Broadway star on the rise — a very different profession. She writes:
“My partner was on a different path, in which social media and exposure were not impediments but rather necessities. We puzzled through this predicament on walks, over pizza, in our apartment and excitedly concocted rules of engagement of how and what he would share about our lives together. It was a tenuous balance — my profession, which requires privacy, and his, which is measured in applause — but it worked well while life was unfolding according to our plans.”
The couple got pregnant and couldn’t be happier. She worried so much about her baby’s health — and even “survived preeclampsia, a life-threatening birth complication.” But she would soon realize she was “worrying in the wrong direction.” She writes:
“As a perinatal psychologist, I knew all the statistics — how vulnerable a marriage is in the postpartum period, how vital community connection is in preventing depression and anxiety, how new parenthood impacts a whole family — but I confidently moved to another country with my 2-month-old baby and my husband to support his career. Consumed by the magic and mundanity of new motherhood, I didn’t understand the growing distance between us.”
She is, of course, talking about moving to the UK with Ethan for him to film the two-part adaptation of Wicked. That’s where he met and fell in love with his co-star, world-famous pop star Ariana Grande.
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And he dropped her like a house on a witch. She was blindsided. But it’s been something she’s wrestled with as she raises their son:
“In the countless hours I spend rocking my son to sleep, pushing his stroller, marveling at his sweaty little hands grasping a crayon, I work diligently on my private project of accepting the sudden public downfall of my marriage. This, I tell myself, is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. Slowly but surely, I have come to believe that in the absence of the life I planned with my high-school sweetheart, a lifetime of sweetness is waiting for me and my child.”
She notes how it’s particularly hard lately as she’s surrounded by Wicked billboards:
“As for me, days with my son are sunny. Days when I can’t escape the promotion of a movie associated with the saddest days of my life are darker.”
Oof. Heartbreaking. Lilly muses:
“No one gets married thinking they’ll get divorced, in the same way we don’t board a plane expecting to crash. But I really never thought I would get divorced. Especially not just after giving birth to my first child and especially not in the shadow of my husband’s new relationship with a celebrity.”
This kind of situation would be bad enough. But it was that last part that meant the debacle in her personal life was going to inevitably spill into her professional life.
Remember how her personal life is meant to be unknown to her patients? No such luck when your husband leaves you for one of the most famous women in the world. Dr. Lilly is terrified knowing her story — or at least knowing the story being told about her in whatever tabloid they read — will ruin her patients’ ability to develop a proper rapport:
“Still, even as someone who spent years researching how people respond to ambiguity, I hate not knowing if the way my story has been told has impacted my opportunity to help others sort through their stories… I have puzzled alone, for nearly two years, about what to say as someone who is, by personality and profession, equally allergic to being the center of attention and to being erased.”
“Being erased.” Oof.
And it’s not just her relationship with patients that’s been impacted by her story being out there. She mentions losing out on a job, too:
“I can’t say for sure how much my career has been impacted by what’s out there online. But there have been hints along the way, like the job offer that dissolved without explanation after yet another tabloid news cycle or the patient who’s scheduled for a first appointment but seemingly vanishes.”
Damn.
But Lilly is moving forward. She’s ready to get back out there and hopes the stories everyone has read about her don’t keep patients away. She does at least have one thing she didn’t before — a CV full of hellish personal experience to draw from. She says with hope and inspiration to all the women out there in similar situations:
“Knowing what you now know, I can say with both personal and professional authority, you are so much stronger than you assume. Some of what you loved most about your partner was actually your own goodness reflected back to you; it’s yours to keep and carry forward.”
Wow. What a beautiful sentiment. We’re going to save that one.
You can read Dr. Lilly Jay’s full essay HERE. We highly recommend it. What do YOU think of her
[Image via Joseph Marzullo/WENN.]
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