We’re in for a long wait for the trial of accused murderer Bryan Kohberger. But in the meantime we can learn quite a lot as reporters continue to dig into the life of the criminology grad student.
As we’ve been reporting, the 28-year-old was arrest last last month for the horrific quadruple murder of University of Idaho students Kaylee Goncalves, Maddie Mogen, Xana Kernodle, and Ethan Chapin. An intruder broke into their Moscow, Idaho home and killed the four housemates with a combat knife as they slept. There was so much blood, it could be seen dripping from the house in photos taken from the outside days later.
Who could commit such a heinous crime? That’s what everyone is trying to figure out.
Related: Everything We Know About The University Of Idaho Murders
There’s a mountain of evidence against Kohberger, but one big question mark still looms large in the case against him: the motive. What in the hell was it? What could even make a person capable of doing such things to another human being?
Over the weekend the New York Times found several comments believed to have been written by Kohberger in 2011 on an internet mental health forum called Tapatalk. And they speak volumes. At just 16 years old he wrote:
“I have had this horrible Depersonalization go on in my life for almost 2 years. I often find myself making simple human interactions, but it is as if I am playing a role playing game such as oblivion; I can see what is going on, I am slightly into it, but I can pause the game and focus on my real life. In this case, my life is the game and my old self can be reached by pausing the game, but how? I often think of things that humans do, things I have done my whole life, I feel like an organic sack of meat with no self worth.”
That last line is not too unusual for a teenager. It’s often a time when we have trouble with the idea of self-actualization. But the comments grew darker:
“As I hug my family, I look into their faces, I see nothing, it is like I am looking at a video game, but less. I feel less than mentally damaged, it is like I have severe brain damage. I am stuck in the depths of my mind, where I have to constantly battle my demons, am I here or am I fake?”
Whoa. That’s such an upsetting thought. And it gets worse…
The posts were written on an anonymous account called Exarr.thosewithvisualsnow — and were ostensibly trying to describe symptoms of visual-snow syndrome, a very rare neurological disorder in which patients describe seeing the world through a thick static, like on an old TV. Little is known about the disorder as it’s so rare. But we do know it can cause depression and poor sleep patterns. Some studies have suggested brain injuries might make visual-snow more common. According to the NIH, symptoms can include “light sensitivity, difficulty with night vision, migraines, and ringing in the ears.” Kohberger mentioned that last one specifically, writing:
“It is as if the ringing in my ears and the fuzz in my vision is simply all of the demons in my head mocking me.”
“The demons in my head”? The posts detailed attempts to fight the symptoms of the disorder, including treatment by a neurologist, medication for migraines, and a sugar-free diet.
Sadly, it gets darker:
“I feel dirty, like there is dirt inside of my head, my mind, I am always dizzy and confused.”
But perhaps the most alarming messages from the profile are these:
“I might spiral out of control and lose myself in the void, I can’t let it all go.”
And:
“Nothing I do is enjoyable. I am blank, I have no opinion, I have no emotion, I have nothing. Can you relate?”
Besides saying he had “no emotion” he also admitted to feeling like he could do “whatever I want with little remorse” for his actions. The posts under that username also complain of seeing “things that were not there,” feeling “like a criminal” without a record, and not being able to sleep without waking up to “bloody screams”. Chilling.
Did these feelings — or lack thereof — continue into adulthood? Will this help us to figure out how someone could do something like this?? And will it affect his legal defense?
What do YOU think of this latest development??
[Image via Monroe County Correctional Facility/Kaylee Goncalves/Instagram.]
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