Mother Perez Presents… Celebrity Nursery Rhymes!!

Donald Trump ain’t the only one who likes nursery rhymes… Mother Perez has a whole book of ’em!

We’ve taken all the best Mother Gooseries from the days of yore and repurposed them using today’s biggest celebs. The result was… not very flattering. But very whimsical!

Lull yourself with these nursery rhymes for the modern age (below)!

Little Miss Kimmy”

kim kardashian west nursery rhyme miss muffet

Little Miss Kimmy sat on her fanny, tweeting her products and legs.
Along came her husband, who endorsed the Trump brand…
And frightened her followers away!

Itsy Swifty Spider”

The itsy Swifty spider
Had all the fans and clout
Down came the haters, who called poor Swifty out
Instead of cry, she sucked up all the hate
And the itsy Swifty spider became the Swifty snake

Humpty Trumpty”

Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall
Humpty Trumpty made a few calls
No one would pay, not in dollars or pesos
At this point, he’ll take out a loan from Jeff Bezos

“Hush Little Bieber”

Hush, little Bieber, don’t say a word;
Hailey’s gonna buy you a vintage T-bird.
And if that Thunderbird don’t start,
Hailey’s gonna buy you some priceless art.
And if that painting’s too abstract,
Hailey’s gonna buy you an artifact.
And if that artifact don’t summon an ancient god,
Hailey will assemble you a squad.
And if that squad won’t wear your merch,
Hailey’s gonna take you to Hillsong Church.
And if there’s no service that day,
Hailey’s gonna jet you off to Montego Bay.
And if you’re not in the mood to fly,
Hailey’s got a shoulder, so you can cry.

“Baa Baa Blac Chyna”

Baa, baa, Blac Chyna, have you any shade?
Yes sis, yes sis, it’s top-grade!
Some for those who (allegedly) sabotaged my show,
Some for the little boy who can’t make any dough.
Baa, baa, Blac Chyna, have you any shade?
Yes sis, yes sis, it’s top-grade!

“Speidi Went Up The Hills”

Speidi kept still, close to The Hills;
In case they were asked to film more.
Cameras returned, but then Speidi learned…
It was just the cast of Jersey Shore!

“I’m A Little Tweet-Pot”

I’m a little tweet-pot, curt and proud.
Here’s my opinion, isn’t it loud?
When I take an Ambien, hear me shout…
Racist jokes ’til I black out!

“Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Ye”

 

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Ye
How I wonder what you’ll say?
So removed from basic life
With your mansions, shoes, and wife
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Ye
Throw that dumb red hat away

“Old Zuckerberg Had A Site”

Old Zuckerberg had a site…
F-A-C-E-BOOK!
And on this site there was fake news.
How could we not look?
With some clickbait here, and some propaganda there.
Here’s a share, there’s a share,
RUSSIAN BOTS ARE EVERYWHERE!
Old Zuckerberg had a site…
Your data, it sure took!

“Rock-A-Bye Stormi”

Rock-a-bye, Stormi,
On the tour bus.
When the beat drops,
Your ears should adjust.
When the show’s done,
The party begins.
And daddy will rock you…
Once he’s finished his gin.

The End.

Write your own celeb nursery rhyme in the comments (below)!

[Image via Future Image/FayesVision/WENN/Public Domain]

Jan 24, 2019 6:00am PDT