[Warning: Potentially Triggering Content]
Allison Holker is opening up about a heartbreaking discovery she made just after her beloved husband’s death.
More than two years after the world lost Stephen “tWitch” Boss, his widow is detailing the painful silent battle he dealt with prior to his tragic end — and the substances she found out he was using to help cope. During a vulnerable interview with People published on Tuesday, Allison revealed that just before his funeral, she discovered a “cornucopia” of drugs such as mushrooms, pills, and “other substances I had to look up on my phone” stashed away in his shoe boxes hidden in their closet:
“I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral. It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about]. It was a really scary moment in my life to figure that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that.”
What a shattering discovery… Especially to make before his funeral. But how mature of her to take it as a way to help herself understand what he was going through rather letting it tarnish her memory of him.
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Allison, whose memoir This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light hits shelves next month, explained Stephen was open about marijuana use — and that he’d often slip away into their guest house after their kids went to sleep to indulge:
“That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was okay.”
But the other drugs were a shock to her. And so was what she read in his journals:
“Reading Stephen’s journals, and even going back into the books he had read and the things that he was highlighting and lining, really gave me a better perspective of where he was in life and the type of things he was struggling with. It did have me feel a lot of empathy towards him and sadness for all the pain that he was holding.”
The mom of two heartbreakingly revealed that Stephen alluded in his journal entries to being sexually abused by a male figure as a child. Oh god… Oh no…
Was that the origin of his pain? He always seemed so happy-go-lucky! And that was by design, said Allison — because he “didn’t want other people to take on his pain.” She explained:
“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much.”
That is so, so awful. It’s a tragedy that he felt he couldn’t open up about his pain. As Allison put it, his “two very different personalities” — the extroverted, public persona of tWitch, and the private, more gentle Stephen — were always “battling.” But by sharing what he went through, she hopes to help others who may be fighting similar silent battles:
“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that have been said, reading through his journals … you realize he went through a lot as a child and never faced it. It’s hard to think that he never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, to get through on the other side. I really hope people dealing with the same thing will help themselves out of the shadows and [know] you’re going to be okay.”
Our hearts remain with the family. You can hear more from her interview (below):
If you or someone you know is experiencing substance abuse, help is available. Consider checking out the resources SAMHSA provides at https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline or check out StartYourRecovery.org
For resources on mental health, visit https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help
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