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McDonald's Customer Arrested For Creating McMasturbation Menu Item!

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Nova Scotia's McDonald’s chains aren't that much different than those here in the States, as we're sure this isn't the first time this has happened in the world: a man has been arrested for going to town on his own personal Big Mac, and yes we TOTES mean he was masturbating in the restaurant!

LOLz! SO GROSS!

The Canadian man was furiously masturbating at a McDonald's last week, and has since been arrested — which has brought us to the most spot-on advice the world has ever gotten from police:

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Tennessee Official Frequently Drove 90 Mph With His Dong Dangling Out The Window?!

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We… we… don't even know what to say?!

William Blakely, a former Vice-Mayor in Creepyville Mount Carmel, Tennessee sat in court today listening to testimony from a slew of victims who swear he spent the past four years speeding around town committing a series of lewd and illegal acts!

Multiple witness allege wicked Willie would drive at speeds in excess of 90 mph, stare down women on the road, pull out his penis, masturbate, and sometimes even let his penis hang loose OUT THE WINDOW!

Today in court, eye-witness Kelly Street testified

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Jenny McCarthy Is A Chronic Masturbator! Hear How Often She Bumps Her Own Beaver HERE!

Filed under: TV NewsJenny McCarthySex

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If you're attracted to Jenny McCarthy, you aren't alone!

In fact, the frequent Playboy playmate is apparently so damned hawt that she can't even keep her hands off herself!!

Speaking about sexual liberation at a Durex event in NYC on Tuesday, the sultry seXXX symbol admitted that her own hand takes the express train downtown way more often than you might imagine!

Jenny revealed boasted

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Celebs Who Have 'Played' With Themselves Onscreen

Filed under: Photos!

Natalie Portman

No, this isn't celebs who have played themselves onscreen!

This is celebs who have played with themselves onscreen…

As in they were having a little solo seksi time if you catch our meaning…

CLICK HERE to view the gallery "Celebs Who Have 'Played' With Themselves Onscreen"

CLICK HERE to view the gallery "Celebs Who Have 'Played' With Themselves Onscreen"

CLICK HERE to view the gallery "Celebs Who Have 'Played' With Themselves Onscreen"

CLICK HERE to view the gallery "Celebs Who Have 'Played' With Themselves Onscreen"

CLICK HERE to view the gallery "Celebs Who Have 'Played' With Themselves Onscreen"

CLICK HERE to view the gallery "Celebs Who Have 'Played' With Themselves Onscreen"

[Image via WENN.]

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Anna Kendrick MASTURBATES To Ryan Gosling… In The Movie Theater!

Filed under: Silly!Ryan GoslingAnna Kendrick

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WELCOME TO THE BEST NEWS OF YOUR DAY!

Seemingly innocent Anna Kendrick made a shocking confession on Monday — she masturbates. to Ryan Gosling… in the movie theater!!!

QUICK! Bubble wrap your kids right this second!

The Pitch Perfect starlet just can't help it! And really, who can??

But clearly someone told her it was an etiquette no-no as she tweeted:

HA!!!

Ooo gurl we feel ya!

Every time we see the Godling, it's too hard to contain ourselves! Did you know he

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Nick Stahl Loses Dignity, Wins Free iPad!

nick-stahl-free-ipad public masturbation bangyoulater

When Nick Stahl did the world the disservice of decongesting his clogged man-pipes in public, we wondered why the troubled actor couldn't just tend to his masturbatory duties at home like the rest of us?

Was the Terminator 3 star's computer in the shop? Is he downloading porn on a dial-up?!

It turns out we weren't the only curious kittens worried about his well-being!

Bangyoulater.com offered Nick a free iPad so he might attend to his "private business in a tranquil setting."

Ha! We're guessing Bangyoulater is a porn site and not a online drum warehouse, but who cares?! A free iPad is a free iPad!

Plus, don't those things come with GPS!? That could come in handy next time Nick gets lost!

[Image via FayesVision/WENN.]

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Octo-Mom's Kids Watched Their Mother's Masturbation Video?!

Filed under: Icky Icky PooSad SadOcto-Mom

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There. Are. No. Words.

When Octo-mom can't keep illicit videos she starred in out of the hands of her preteen kids, something is very very wrong!

According to former nanny Gina Bryson, at least one of Octo's children watched their mom's well-publicized masturbation video!

UGH!! We sincerely hope these revolting allegations are unfounded!

Gina told the Orange County Dept. of Children and Family Services that Octo, a.k.a. Nadya Suleman, came crying to her one day after her 11 year-old son watched her sex tape on

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