Sean “Diddy” Combs is still reeling over the loss of his ex, Kim Porter.
The 49-year-old rapper broke down while speaking about the mother of three of his children, who died of pneumonia in her Los Angeles home in November at age 47, during an emotional interview for Essence’s May 2019 issue.
Sitting down with his friend Dream Hampton, who wrote that the mag says it “made a historic—and possibly controversial—decision to put a man on the cover in celebration of Mother’s Day,” the father-of-four didn’t hold back his pain as he k how difficult life had become since losing his ex.
Related: Diddy Reveals The Last Thing Kim Said To Him Before She Died
The Bad Boy Records founder was so distraught, he spent most of the interview sobbing.
Through tears, he confessed:
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna figure something out, though. This hurts so much. I know that people want to hear like, the good stuff…it hurts. There ain’t no way around that…I wanted to do [the interview] ’cause I wanted to let everybody know…I don’t think anybody could ever understand how hard it is to be a black mother.”
While they weren’t romantically involved at the time of her death, the two had a very strong relationship with each other.
They were together for more than a decade until 2007, and share three children together: a son, Christian, and 12-year-old twin daughters, D’Lila and Jessie. The rapper also helped raise Kim’s now-adult son Justin from a previous partner.
Video: Diddy Posts Touching Video Birthday Tribute To Kim
When asked if he had any regrets about how he handled his relationship with Porter, the Tell Me performer said he wished he would have been more “honest with [his] love for her,” revealing:
“I wasn’t being honest, all the way, honest with my love for her, to myself and even to other people that I was in a relationship with. I don’t have no regrets how things went. They went the way God wanted them to go. But I was playing with love and it’s not really to be played with. I definitely took for granted that she would just be with me forever. I took for granted that something like this could happen.”
As for how he handled the news of her death, Diddy explained:
“It was a total shock and a surprise and it really, really woke me up just as far as it just turned everything upside down. It was the craziest, most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through. When they say it hits home or cuts deep or your world gets turned upside down, it was all of that in one.”
In addition to the gut-wrenching grief he felt, Diddy said Kim’s death forced him to jump into “mommy mode” in order to take care of their children. He shared:
“I sent people in every direction to try to make sure the kids would not hear about it on social media or the news. I had to get to the girls’ school and find Quincy, who was onset in Atlanta. Christian was on a plane, and I had his phone disconnected so he wouldn’t read it in the air. Every time Kim and I talked, it was about the kids. It was what she cared about the most. We’d check in as friends, of course, but we never had a conversation that didn’t include the kids. It was like some superhero sh*t. I ain’t even gonna lie.”
Kim’s love for their kids also helped motivate Diddy to stay strong, as he explained:
“On some level, I knew she was training me for this. I knew that I had to be ready to do whatever I was supposed to do if something like this ever happened. There was screaming and crying when I heard the news, of course, but I had to ask myself, What would Kim do? I was scared, and I was crying out to God—and to her—and almost immediately Kim’s voice kicked in, and I could hear her saying, ‘Make sure you take care of my babies.'”
Wow. Truly heartbreaking.
Losing a loved one is never easy, but when that loved one is the center of the household? It’s much easier for things to fall apart.
Fortunately, Diddy seems to be rising to this new challenge of being mommy and daddy. Our hearts go out to him and the rest of Kim’s family as they continue to heal from this tragic loss.
[Image via WENN]
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