UPDATE 4:42 P.M. PST: Chrissy took to Twitter to tell fans she had a “full on panic attack” after posting the essay, writing:
“Phew I just had a full on panic attack of more tear snot just knowing anyone read this. I’ve missed you all terribly.”
In the tweet, she included an almost-selfie that showed the lower half of her distraught face — suggesting that she’s not quite ready to show her full face to the world just yet. See (below):
Chrissy Teigen is finally opening up about her miscarriage.
As we reported, the supermodel revealed last month that she and John Legend had lost their baby due to pregnancy complications. The death was obviously very traumatic for the couple, who already had started calling the unborn child Jack.
Now, after weeks of relative social media silence, the cookbook author has penned an emotional essay for Medium detailing what specifically went wrong with her third pregnancy delivery and opening up about the aftermath of the tragedy.
Related: John ‘In Awe Of’ Chrissy’s ‘Strength’ After Pregnancy Loss
She began the message by thanking fans and friends for their outpouring of well-wishes, writing:
“For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did.”
Chrissy then explained what happened with the delivery:
“At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20-week-old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms). I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a ‘safer’ zone for the fetus. My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in.”
She continued about just how horrible the bleeding had gotten:
“I could have spent these days at the hospital, but not much of a difference would have been made. I was still seen by doctors at home, silently twisting their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay. Finally, I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount. My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.”
Later in the essay, Teigen recounted the moment she realized she wouldn’t be bringing a third child into this world, writing:
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming—it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
It was a moment Chrissy immortalized on Instagram, much to the chagrin of some social media users.
Sure enough, the 36-year-old made sure to hit back at those who criticized her for posting those photos of her distraught reaction (above) to the pregnancy loss, sharing:
“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
Such a powerful response.
The Lip Sync Battle host went on to reveal that Jack’s ashes are now in a small box, which the family will mix with the soil for a tree at their new home — “the one we got with his room in mind.” She ended her essay on a somewhat uplifting note, writing:
“People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full.”
Head over to Medium to read Chrissy’s full essay.
[Image via Brian To/WENN/Chrissy Teigen/Instagram]
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