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Hilaria Baldwin Gets Real About The 'Suffocating' Pain She Experienced After Suffering Multiple Miscarriages

Hilaria Baldwin talks miscarriages

Hilaria Baldwin is getting candid about the pain and heartbreak she endured after suffering multiple miscarriages last year.

The 36-year-old fitness instructor opened up in an essay for Glamour, detailing what it was like experiencing the harrowing loss in November — just seven months after she had a miscarriage in April.

Related: Alec & Hilaria Will Try For Baby No. 5 After Multiple Miscarriages

She wrote:

“At four months (16 weeks), I went in for my regularly scheduled scan. As soon as the sonogram image appeared on the screen, I saw that my baby had died. There was no movement, no heartbeat. She was crumpled up, lifeless in my womb. I began to cry. The doctor told me to hold still as she tried to figure out what had happened. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I can’t remember much except that I got dressed, thanked everyone for their care, and asked for permission to go. I just began walking.”

Alec Baldwin’s wife continued:

“I got in a cab at some point, making calls, scheduling a follow-up [dilation and evacuation surgery] and canceling work accordingly. I felt like I was in shock. I went into this appointment excited to see her and share pictures with my family and friends; I left needing to tell them all that she had died. It was a surreal turn of events.”

The Mom Brain podcast host explained that she “felt sick” having to go home and “sleep with my dead baby inside me,” writing:

“Even though I’d had a miscarriage before, I don’t think I could have fathomed how bad it could feel to have a miscarriage at 16 weeks. I had to go home and sleep with my dead baby inside me. I felt sick, sour in my belly, and so devastated. I kept waking up and thinking it must have all been a very vivid bad dream… I cried so much that my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I didn’t know the body could make so many tears. This was a pain that I had never experienced before, and it felt suffocating.”

Yet despite the excruciating loss, Hilaria vowed to “heal” for herself and her family. In her essay, she went on to encourage others who’ve experienced a similar sadness to be their “own advocate,” even if it’s difficult.

She noted: 

“I had to tell myself that I deserved to heal and to be happy again. This lesson became my mantra. Processing and going through grieving was important, but I didn’t have to be condemned to a life of emotional punishment and suffering.”

The mother-of-four explained that it’s easy for women to “feel guilty” for miscarrying, as if they personally did something wrong to cause it. She wrote:

“Sometimes it’s easier to make ourselves the enemy, to blame ourselves, than it is to accept support and care.”

Apparently, many women feel the same way. After sharing her story, the actress said she “heard from thousands of women… who felt society would blame them for choosing to prioritize a career over a family — for missing their peak fertility years or for putting too much stress on their body. Women who didn’t know how to tell their families, afraid of being a disappointment. The list goes on, but the common thread is that women bear a lot in silence when it comes to motherhood.”

Hilaria closed her message by saying that she wants to tell others there’s a path to healing their pain: through “openness.” She explained:

“We are a group that has been taught to be closed, and I have decided that I don’t want to be. In opening up, not only do I want to heal myself through sharing my story, but I also want to show others that there is another path — one of openness. When you let reality in, it can be difficult to swallow, but once you do, you have something tangible to work with. Even when it is so painful and you feel like you have hit the bottom of the ocean, you can touch it, feel it and then press off it to propel you back up into more shallow waters.”

Her strength is so inspiring!

[Image via WENN]

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Jan 30, 2020 13:50pm PDT