Be careful what you wish for!
That was the poetic theme of this week’s American Horror Story: Roanoke, which led to the gruesome end of multiple characters in the most f*cked up episode yet!
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[BEHOLD THE SPOILERS]
With last chapter switching things up from a docu-series format to a found footage scare-fest, we were starting to wonder how Ryan Murphy could kill off his characters while the cameras were rolling on the (second) show-within-the-show.
Thankfully, that narrative hurdle was taken care of right away courtesy of Kathy Bates, who crashed the Return To Roanoke set to straight up kill most of the crew!
This deranged killing spree is brought on by the show’s producer Sidney (Cheyenne Jackson), who hopes deranged character actress Agnes (Bates) won’t be discouraged by a restraining order to show up and cause some scares.
Unfortunately for Sidney, Agnes comes very much still in character as the Butcher, and hacks the producer and most of his show’s crew to death. Talk about method acting!
So long, Cheyenne!
Back in the house, Audrey (Sarah Paulson) gets worried about her husband Rory (Evan Peters), so the rest of the house goes looking for him. They stumble upon a big puddle of blood, which Audrey writes off as a prank by Sidney and Rory so he could get out of his contract and take a big movie role in Hollywood. (No girl, he dead!)
Attempting to turn their one-time affair into something more, Dominic (Cuba Gooding Jr.) approaches Shelby (Lily Rabe) in the kitchen and tries to tap that again. Shelby turns him down and insists she’s here for her husband Matt (Andr├â┬⌐ Holland) — but then Matt walks in and says he’s over his wife. She’s all yours, Dom!
Heartbroken by the rejection of her husband, Shelby goes to her room and cries. She notices a blood soaked camera when Agnes enters, covered in blood and ranting about punishment. Clearly in Butcher mode, Agnes slashes at Shelby with her axe and hits her in the neck.
Honoring the found-footage style, Shelby refuses to drop her cell phone so she can show the world who killed her. Thankfully, Dominic bursts in and subdues Agnes before tending to Shelby’s wound.
Realizing the stealthy Agnes has once again fled the scene, the gang splits up to find help. Audrey, Lee (Adina Porter), and Monet (Angela Bassett) head out of the house’s secret passageway and escape into the woods, only to stumble into more perils straight out of the Blair Witch Project.
After a spooky encounter with an undead creature, Audrey sobs into the camera with a loving message to Rory, only to discover his gutted corpse hanging from above her dripping blood. We told you, he dead!
The girls’ luck gets even worse when they get snatched up by the REAL Polk family — and these hillbilly cannibals are much more frightening IRL. After oiling and seasoning Lee’s leg, the family forces Audrey and Monet to eat a plate of bloody meat. We really hope neither of them are vegetarians.
Back at the house, Matt stays by Shelby’s side as she recovers in bed. It looks as if the life-threatening situation is bringing the couple back together├óΓé¼┬ª for about two minutes, until Matt wakes up in a trance-like state and wanders down into the basement.
It turns out, Matt is being called by the Scathach forest witch — it’s not Lady GaGa this time, but a fast-moving shadow creature — who pulls him into a barbaric bang sesh on the basement floor. Love spells never die!
When Dominic and Shelby arrive at the scene to catch her husband getting it on with the Scathach, Matt confesses “I came back for her! I’m in love with her!” — which Shelby responds to by taking a crowbar and bashing in Matt’s head like a pinata!
Outside the house, Agnes returns to cause more mischief when the real colonists appear from the Blood Moon’s magic. Agnes thinks the undead settlers are on her side until she lays eyes on the REAL butcher — who takes one swing to cleave the star struck Agnes’ skull open all the way down to her nose!
Sorry, Agnes — but there’s just no beating the OG!
What did YOU think of this blood soaked episode of AHS?
[Image via FX.]
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